ugg sign How To Cure Email Marketing Irregularity and Constipation
Dear Email Marketing diary,
About six months ago, I went for my yearly visit to Dr. E. Newsletter. He poked and prodded and checked to make sureeverything was working as it should, then he sat down on his little stool, looked me straight in the eyes and asked:
I blushed, made note of the nearest exit, squirmed on my seat and said, “I thought you were a marketing doctor. Since when do you ask questions about, er, uh, the pipes?”
“I talking about your emails dummy,” he said. “Any blockage,inconsistency, irregularity or even constipation?”
Still too shocked to comment on his analogy, I stuttered whileanswering. “Uh, we send out e newsletters. Probably about fifteen in the last year.”
“What prompts you to send your messages?” he asked. Then a few days later we got her book signing tour dates and locations so we emailed again to let the subscribers know where they could meet her. She appeared on CNN, so of course we had to tell everyone about that, and then yesterday we announced her e course, so we emailed everyone again.”
“Sounds like you have been active. What were you doing before the book came out?” Dr. E. Newsletter asked.
“Oh, not much, everything was same old, same old, not really much to say. “We really don want to bore people when we have nothing new to say. We had not sent any emails for about a year before the book came out, we had to retrain on the software, our skills were rusty. We had even forgotten the password to the admin panel!” I playfully giggled.
Feeling pretty proud of myself I sat back, looked around theexamination room, crossed my arms and noticed my shirt wasdrenched. I was sweating like a pig! Was I sick? Had I picked upsomething in this office?
Dr. E. Newsletter noticed my physical condition and became verysilent. He got out his prescription pad and started to scribblesomething.
I panicked and started talking very quickly, “We are not sick, you just said we are active. What are you giving me? I don want any marketing drugs.”
“Your emails over the past few months sounds like you were blocked and constipated for a year and then digested a book and got a case of Montezuma Email Revenge. You said you had sent about fifteen emails in the last year. How many of those were sent after the book came out?” Dr. E. Newsletter grunted.
“14.” I said, turning my head away in shame.
“Take the prescription, your email marketing campaign sounds like you need it,” Dr. E. Newsletter said as he shoved the pad towards me.
I left the doctor office that day a little shaken up. Dr. Was my campaign really in trouble? Did it really stink?
It was two days before I even remembered to look at theprescription Dr. E. Newsletter had given me. What kind of a drugwould I have to take to fix this?
Turns out, his prescription was pretty easy to follow. We only had to take one dose and we were regular again.
From the desk of Dr. E Newsletter: Take one does of Pepto Bismail and
1) Send your email marketing newsletters on a pre determinedregular schedule.
2) Keep to the schedule, or stop sending e newsletters.
Dr. E. Newsletter was right. We rarely got much of a response from our email newsletter campaigns. It probably had to do with our customers rarely hearing from us and then getting bombarded with messages when we wanted them to do something.
One customer even sent us a well written, but scolding, email that said she felt dirty when she would get our messages. It was clear we were only sending her email messages when we wanted something.
I booked a six month check up with Dr. E Newsletter. I go nextFriday. I am actually looking forward to the visit. We beensending e newsletters once a week for about five months now. Ohsure, in the beginning we pulled our hair out a little, but after awhile we got in a groove and now the weekly email message gets sent every Wednesday at noon. Even in the summer when most of the group is on holidays we band together and get that e newsletter out.
After my last visit to Dr. E Newsletter I vowed to never have myemail marketing campaign referred to as constipated, irregular and (I am even ashamed to think it.) Montezuma Email Revenge. How embarrassing!
Dr. E. Newsletter mentioned to me that Irregularity was the most common condition in email marketing. He said he prescribes gallons of Pepto Bismail every week.
Readers: Email irregularity is a condition that is extremely dangerous. The customer in the story who said she felt dirty when she would get intermittent emails is a real person. Maybe your customers feel like she does.